For Us Freaks

How was it possible for Jesus to live in this Earth?

Knowing he could've ended it all just with the thought and will of it 

Love saved us but

Even after death 

Always taken for granted on a daily

Begged and pleaded by his followers/lovers to be forgiven, after a night/day of us cheating on Him 

Giving it to them anyways, knowing they can and will do it again

Understood and not accepted 

Loathed by many for simply wanting to be near them 

For attempting to give them eternality 

Makes me sick how we humans can be at times 

So inconsiderate to each other and our Lord, for the name of my pride! 

My image, my armor, my ego! 

Perhaps this was one of the reasons why Jesus had to come 

In order to know how we humans truly think and feel

Our selfish nature

For the sake of sympathy for humanity

I catch myself feeding my egotistical side too 

It’s normal, but I never try doing it at the cost of others 

No matter who you are

I guess I just feel too much 

Today I thought of a man from my childhood church 

He was a quiet reserved gentle middle aged man that never bothered anyone

Now that I’m twenty-three and have an opinion on everything that interests me 

I can say that the only time he would bother anyone was for a ride to and from church 

And when he would ask for a time after worship to say how grateful he was with the Lord

Updates on his life

What blessings (maybe nothing or the norm for others) the Lord has gifted him 

They would call his name

Gets up cautiously 

Shaking off the nerves off his legs, ready to walk up with his broken sway

Mic visibly rotating around his hand, trying to get the words out 

Soft spoken too 

I remember seeing this as a kid and I know I didn’t feel bad or pity for the man 

Now I know what I felt 

Compassion, Admiration, Joyous

I know that’s what the pastor felt with that great pure full smile of his 

But I can’t help to put him in one of my hypotheticals

I'm pretty sure he’s still alive but if he were here and put on broadcast for the whole world to see 

How many bots would taunt him, how many would scoff at his praises 

For his life, for his being, for his fruits that he wanted to show everybody

For finding beauty in the mundane

For being God’s lab experiments and to be put in this world

To have something to talk about, have a cheap laugh off 

To add a little piece to their broken masks 

I wonder what God feels when He sees this happen

I personally would join him and laugh at the vacuous myriad of souls that surround us 

And wish them well 

Or you could join us because we are not too far apart if you truly think about it 

And if we are, why not love the diversity we are so privileged to know and be around?

til i ***

Whatever feeling, whatever thought, whatever I transmit 

is and will be open to criticism 

It only comes with being an artist

Someone passionate for the things they create 

Getting off to feelings and experiences 

Wanting your audience to see the feeling 

Feel the visual, breathe the sounds in 

Documenting the human experience thru your neuron patterns 

Lucky if we find someone that shares the same colored mind 

I’m not entertaining you today, you say? 

Maybe I’m starting to grow tired of everything that isn’t me or mine

Maybe I’m tired of writing love poems that I should’ve never wrote

Maybe this internet love story that never existed is getting too long

Maybe due to my self sabotage

Maybe due to your Gen Z attention span 

Regardless I love my babies

Sorry I’m too busy, suffering in ways that you only hear in your songs or movies 

Ghost writing for everyone

Where’s my cut, the wolves always hungry 

They’ll eat me eventually if they don’t get any 

I’m not here to glorify pain, anxiety, depression or any other mental illness that you may think I have

You’re only reading the covers

This is my truth, not scared or ashamed of showing it

A book waiting to be opened by whoever would like to know or just to have a good laugh 

Ongoing til I depart to see my Father

Til then I am riding my highs and lows, with Him only

I will not fall back to any witch

Not needing or wanting any of you 

I only exist in these words/works 

Nobody can see me and if you do, erase it 

Money, Yearning & Women

Sometimes being me is too much to bear
It feels so daunting 
On top of everything 
There is hunger, to eat your heart out 
So foolish of me to want something that can be called fake or forgotten
In one day, in an hour, a minute, a second, in a moment 
Whenever she decides to leave me for dead 
I love women for this reason
They give us men something to look forward to
Whether that being "character development" or
Something tender, something sweet and beautiful 
Something to protect and hold dear, yes like a prize 
Because that’s what women are, they are a blessing to this world
They should be treated generally different to men, in a gracious way 
If we men in society, would normalize this more
We wouldn’t have all these thots, bops, young women selling themselves on the internet
They would feel shame and guilt, because we men hold ourselves like kings and want to find someone like us
A queen, someone who honor themselves
A woman that respects herself and body, that knows one day there will be a man that comes by and fulfills her true desires and treat her the way she should be treated 
But money makes us do things that we never would have if it wasn’t an element of this life 
Our punishment as men, need of currency 
Most people know this to be true, and don’t let money change or control them
I applaud you
They don’t let it be their entire identity as a human being, pieces of green paper with slave owners on them
Some people let it destroy them and their community, the future of this world
Don't they know, no one can serve two masters 
If only this world had more faith
We wouldn’t have people starving
We wouldn’t have constant suffering 
We wouldn’t have brain rotted children; watching, learning, idolizing money hungry freaks 
Leading the future into a hellish one 
Trying to normalize rape and let sexuality consume their minds in every perverse way
Watching desperate streamers "catch" so called "predators" on camera 
Just to slap them on the wrist, try to sympathize and letting them go
Allowing a convicted child rapist represent a whole country at the olympics 
What will that do to the future men
Exposing them to homosexuality, stripping them away from ever trying to be an actual man 
Not allowing them to express and feel themselves as their natural born gender 
Saying it's normal when it’s being shove into their spongy minds 
That it is okay to treat women poorly, like objects 
Causing women to adapt to this age of sick men 
Leading some to publicly try to please us in every way, for acceptance and money 
The ones that aren’t able to appeal or feel unwanted will revolt eventually & hate their other half
Causing more chaos, more divide, more sexual sin. 
What sick people have orchestrated this fall of humanity 
This attempt to make us stray away from the everlasting grace that washes over us every morning 
I can only hope and pray for your halo to stay intact
Can you feel my heart ache and yearn for you, every waking moment that my mind decides to remind me, what could be mine?
Hopefully it never becomes, could’ve been mine
If so, at least you didn't get to know me...
at least I still got these...
And the cycle continues

August

i hate August. 

for the past 4 years something unfortunate occurs on this God Forsaken month. 

From COVID; having to hear my mother's voice fade near into death's sweet embrace 

that fueled my months long drug binges;

summer flings that I took too serious coming to a close and the start of their hauntings; 

awkward family visits/vacations, caused by yours truly; 

to a long excruciating breakup that caused the sky to change forever. 

I got to see its last breaths. 

On the same day I got to see and feel God's empathy.

Just imagine what'll be of the world if another one of those were to happen... 

All started on August, luckily some stayed in August. 

August, a reminder to us all how time flies. 

August, Earth waking up to get some water, use the restroom and go back to sleep on her other side. 

But thank God He took my hate bone away. 

August, a reminder that better days are on their way, this time around. 

August, where I live, is a reminder to soon grab someone or something so you can keep warm. 

The kids going back to school. 

Chilled 1am winds. 

Heading towards to the towers that would remind me of one of my favorite bands every night.

Who would be next to me that night

Long waking hours in hell that funded and inspired my works/passions today. 

Surrounded by the money hungry freaks that keep this capitalist society happy on the daily.

I fit right in, you would think 

Regardless of my uneasy awkwardness that decides to embarrass me whenever it feels 

blessed to be in the mist of loving/supporting sadomasochist fiends.

The entry fee of this August is at least 5 months worth of self-love & growth. 

You can get a discount, just tell the bouncer that I know/knew you. 

No...you're lying

In the grey dark tones 

Fighting demons in my home 

Letting now acquaintances break in to use my restroom and charger

Small talk, asking why am I wearing a hoodie in the summer 

“helps me not be a bummer”

After all of it, loneliness

Not a body in sight 

put Charm on and dance my way to my room

Door wide open

The floor is lava

Jump from the door to my bed 

Lying, waiting for my friend to come around so we can head out there….

and there U were 

It was named no mans land

Pretty sure it was the heartland 

my guilty pleasure. 

Next to members of the “fuckchris” committee, a lot of people despise their bosses 

Laughing, smiling 

Made me sick

Made me open the door for a breathe of fresh air

Finally

your air 

Hotter than mine 

I couldn’t even look at you 

Mother saw this and urged we leave 

Brother ran to knock some sense into me 

“Come on dude, I know you know she’s here. she’s leaving rn, go say hi bro!! look she literally walked all the way here bro, how you gonna let her walk?! look she’s walking away, come on!! ima go get her for you.” he remarked

“who?! dude no she’s a complete stranger bro, how am I gonna go up to a stranger like this?! what am I suppose to say to a stranger?! especially a girl, that I…”

“BABE STOP” his wife yelled 

As he went up the stairs to call her out for me

Last thoughts 

I couldn’t let another man help me get to you

Last feelings

Dread & the urgency of a man 

Vision turns black 

Another blessing

Another vision 

Another word 

That I don’t deserve 

Kept my lenses shut 

Just to see if the roll stopped playing 

Could I get a b2b 

No write it down while keeping lenses close 

So nothing can make that feeling and image of you get away from me 

Trinket of mine 

From Your Neck, Please

Walking down New York City

Someone left their door open 

xtansy enters, or codeine 

Seconds turn to minutes

Anticipating the peek, unusual for me

My eyes already glued to the brick wall leading up to the door 

Get a glimpse of a gore girl 

Focused on whatever she’s working on 

Sounds of a typewriter being used 

The door frame made sure we stayed on track

No second glances

Why didn’t U tell me U were home

Why didn’t I invite U to coffee 

Crumbs from my croissant for you

Your neck for me 

yum

Forgiveness Through The Lenses of a Gen Z Christian

Tired of writing
I guess just for today
Here I am, here I go 
wait umma need that 3rd coffee
okay, did a lot of reading instead
cool and fun I guess
Trying to enjoy my own company 
Today is different
Past days have been different 
I am not with you
One day with me is enough, for a week or two

Trying to find purpose in these sounds, pages and words 
Will this pass
It has to, I have to get up
It’s almost July 1st
I feel undeserving of this life
Life of constant suffering, unfulfilling days
With highs that others abuse to get near to  

Depressive and manic episodes, boring/judgement people would say 
I know I'm not the same person I was
Should be thankful, I'm not but 
The human in me haunts me about it
I’m sorry family and friends but I will see this through
With or without
I will do my part and hope you understand and do yours
I am a stranger 
You are everything I see and think of 
Self sabotaging is my favorite pass time  
Lack of self respect but still demanding it 
I couldn’t hate myself any more 
Knowing I am forgiven isn’t enough

I need to deprive myself of everything I love
Even you
I need to talk to you, I know it 
Human in me says I'm not worth having contact with Him 
But you say otherwise 
How could you?

No how could I 

Not accepting your gift to humanity

Your gift to me 

I am not the first sinner or anything

It may not be anything to my friends, chill out bro 

I love them for that but

It means everything to me

Only when it comes to you...

Not guilt but shame, knowing better 

The knowing is I am the greatest and there is no room for failure, only improvement 

I need to be ready for what is yet to come

I will not speak or feel like this again 

A promise that no human can make

hold up let me reconnect to know what He wants me to think, say, do

hold up I have 90 more pages left on this book

hold up let me finish up this song, it just need some drums maybe another pedal too

hold up let me finish these drawings, gonna need some unreleased shh soon

hold up let me finish listening to this album, yea umma need the vinyl

I'll finish it today

I was born in the right generation, age of Grace

Thank you Grace.