Journal Entry 04/03/25

 

This is probably the closest I would want to be; being homeless. I am down the street from my job with my lunch, citation ticket, silver spoon, some gum, nearly dead AirPods, iPhone & of course my journal & pen. I found a bench near here to sit & write this to pass the time; I'm not expected at work until 30 minutes from now. Watching, hearing the cars pass me by. Reminds me of the time when I took acid with my old high school friends & we walked a great distance to the nearest park that caused my nightmare trip that lead to questioning my own existence, who exactly was I that night? Too young to answer that at the time. Seeing the tracers coming off the cars' headlights as they pass. I'm not mad that I'm here; in this situation. It's something new & something I've been in already. Maybe because it's just for the day; thank God I've become more responsible with my time. Thank God I live in this country that I'm able to work just for them to take it all away in a day. I swear I didn't blow it all in a day this time! I was forced! Thank God I don't care too much for money. Watching, hearing the regulars of this life pass me by. Laugh on! God Bless! 

all this... plotted against me or for me?

as i'm praying for you 

as i'm praying to You 

the good and the bad

feels like their roles have flipped 

it's not easy to maintain such an "act"

i'm listening to your songs again 

pretending you are next to me 

watching me grow 

but you're not God

i wouldn't mind walking to the bus stop with you

sitting across from each other on the train 

the young worker 

going around business to business 

whatever country 

to grow 

prosper

without a care 

will you pay me? 

pay me now.

Part of The Blueprint

 Today I spent most of my afternoon chasing fragments of the last time I got to be around you and reading aimlessly at names on gravestones. I can't say the last time I've actually seen you sadly. A mistake? That I question til this day. Was it my fault that I never reached out to you since then? Since the last time we shared a laugh? Might've been even further back since we shared a word. I still remember the day I met you in 10th grade, forced to be in a group together in class with our mutual friend that has the same name as you. I even told you this later on in our friendship that I thought you looked like a crackhead baby to me when I first saw you. You laughed and said that you thought I was from India or Bangladesh because of my skin complexion. We both probably poked at an insecurity that we had when we were just boys in the playgrounds. I made you my best man for the rest of the 3 years we had there. Naturally, I never would go out my way to talk or get to know someone unless I was forced to, unlike now. That brings me to my regret once again. Not being able to reach out to you in your final years here. I honestly don't know why, so many factors to think about and add in to just make me feel less guilty or to remind me how horrible of a person I truly was. I will never know until I get to see you again and ask our Lord together to have a good cry or laugh when He tells us. Something that seems further away now than it did these past few years. 

I drove up the same hill I remember walking down from, to the crowd you drew. I remember it being on somewhat flat land, not hilly like the section right across from yours. I skimmed through your section, further and further out. Even in the hills that I knew I wasn't going to find you. Walking around a cemetery with an overdue visit and flowers, you watching me walk by you like 3 times for the past 3 hours. I went back to the tree and field I remember so vividly, I knew I wasn't stupid. There you were; with a crucifix with Jesus on top of your first name and a small teddy bear on your last name. Looking at the dates; "I'm older than you by a couple months".  It's been 4 years. I tried to think about all those years, still just a blur without the help of my camera roll. All that time; all that life that your friends and family kept living, how I kept living. How one day it'll happen to me, how you were still too young. How things would've been between you & I, would you have reached out to me all these past years and continue our friendship? Would I have? I know now that I would've at this point of time or maybe even earlier knowing you. How you still live through me, how I must continue to enjoy it through it all because I'm here. I brought you my resolved problems and the ones that seems like nothing to me now. I told you about my healing, how your voice still rings in my head from time to time yelling out the jokes we would in school, public or through game chat. How you made me into a hype beast in English class when you showed me the supreme weekly drops. How we hanged out the last day of school and you tried giving me an excuse on why you wouldn't smoke weed; with an undertone of anxiety, just like me. I knew never to peer pressuring you into doing it. How you actually would make me laugh just by making stupid faces or none at all. Knew where to draw the line and how to deal with people that crossed it. So effortlessly; making friends out of them. We actually looked out for each other. A strong bond that formed just in the matter of 3 years between 2 strangers that didn't knew were brothers til then. Today you reminded me again to never take people that love you for you; for granted. One of my bestest & beloved friends since then til now and forever. Thank you. 

Your Hands Were Never Mine (Only You Know)

On the bus on our way back home 

Sitting across from each other, staring til one of us would roam

A patient game for two impaired, impatient individuals 

I thought I had built mine up high enough before getting here

I thought you didn't had to deal with that same little boy

How embarrassing, how selfish

Of me to ask for more, only to know half of how you feel  

Stopping him there because he already has his world right in front of him 

Prompting him to make yet another world within his world 

A world that his world had built

Not knowing her world could have been stolen made limitless 

Not knowing his world could have been stolen and brought back better so effortlessly 

Not knowing their worlds could ever have light in them  

Your serenity over us, keeping us at bay 

Nothing is missing: kept yelling your eyes 

Nothing is the matter, I replied 

Bus didn’t stop at our stop

So we decided to blink 

You landed in the field 

I had enough time to clean around before you got here 

Opened the windows to let the smoke out

For days 

Letting the sun witness the mess that we created

Cleaned the blood off the walls and floors

For days 

Cloth after cloth 

I wrapped a new one on top of the drenched bunch  

Till I made you a new heart 

Cleaned the candle wax off the cracked tiles. 

Wax floating on the water with some of your hair, there I found your ankh necklace that I despised

It would make you press me down on my left side when I would fall asleep mid-prayer at night 

So I burned it on top of the draining tub 

Room full of mirrors, I hadn't really looked at myself for days now 

I took my shades off, I look amazing

Thinking how you should be able to see me 

Thinking of how lucky the people around you are

Thinking of songs that should remind you of me, how to arrange them to fill the space in between

Thinking of how much I have left to go 

Thinking of how you make your way to my prayers, how much you take up of them 

Fearing the Lord will notice how distracted I'm getting and decide to let me feel your coldness to make me appreciate His Everlasting Flame He has set in me more

Fearing the Lord will notice how U and Him are going hand and hand 

Fearing He'll hate how I worded that last sentence

Fearing He'll wake me up from this lake of illusions I've been trying to swim in

You will be the last thing on His list to remove from my mind and life so He can completely engulf me in His Flame  

I wouldn't have it any other way

I hear you singing one of the songs from the tape I gave you, making your way back home 

Last minute cleaning; rushing everything out the door, into a closet, the attic, the basement

NO MORE FLEETING THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS 

No space left for anything but praise to the spirit that'll bring peace and purity into this place

Everything as to be set in place, it takes my all to do this and still

His Grace helps me clean for His arrival

Field Notes From The Empathetic Psycho

Hope you know what your words mean

By the way you're using them right now

I know you do  

I've grown tired of your feigned attempts of questioning the validity of my devotion 

To my life, my Lord and ones that truly love me

Show yourselves 

So I won't have to hurt the people you possess 

You say they allowed themselves to be use

I say lack of experience & knowledge    

I'm 

Dancing and laughing with them  

I feel bad cause now I'm laughing at them 

Let me stop

Wait what's that you threw at me this time

Positivity? A compliment? Acknowledgement? 

Purposely or accidentally

Looking past this vessel that one day my soul will out do?

Oh but now you see I do that on the daily

Now you see 

Til the sound around blinds you once more 

I placed traps, wires and presidential tint in a instant

Never do that again if you're excepting something in return 

you talk about change 

but i don’t think you really get it 

ask someone that everything about themselves 

change 

each day they wake up 

except the routine they try to align themselves with 

I use to let

outburst of chems spill all over my brain from all ends of the world, ones never meant for me

Love?; Self-loathing. Mercy & Forgiveness?; Despair. Grace?; Hopelessness.     

how long will it last 

just the car ride to work? 

will the hours speed on by?

or will be stopped and examined 

minute by minute 

how long will it last

the hours to break the routine have fallen upon you

Now how will you use them today 

Having to be so merciful/ruthless to your children

nobody can fathom it 

the power bestowed …. no 

given? you granted yourself? 

who would take up such a position as you

not even the people that wish to be like you 

can wrap around the idea of being

having to be perfect all the time 

pressure from all corners of your creation 

who knows 

problem being an empath 

you can feel their thoughts 

their facial expressions 

certain eyes have a gaze that feels like

i shouldn’t have never seen that 

others are begging for more 

i don’t know which i despise more 

chipping down their walls 

if any 

my mind does the heavy lifting 

overdrive if they blurt something out 

tones, cracks in their voice, stuttering

not holding on to compliments 

they can easily turn into knives afterwards 

letting them steep their way as far as 

I let them in

American Daughter

A ghost has been haunting me 

Stuck in the corner of my eye 

I could feel it's gaze through my window when I decide to make an entry

I turn to see all day

Nothing 

I turn to see all night 

Deep ocean blue eyes that you can see glowing from miles away 

Leaving tracers when they move

Dark burgundy hair, perfect for the holiday season 

Bunny cheeks 

Baby pink like a pantheress

The only skin that I was able to make out was pale as snow

We had locked eyes, like we’d always would around this time

I pulled my camera out to use the flash, to see if I could capture her

She turned and headed towards my neighbor’s house

That’s when I knew I had to know who she was 

Attraction 

Her walk took my heart and mirrored her steps

Slightly irregular 

Next morning I asked my neighbor if they’ve seen her as well 

“Oh! the young lady that lives a couple blocks down?”

“She lives alone with her mother, I always see her around on weekdays” 

“I’m not sure where they head on the weekends, their cars are always gone when I drive by their house”

“Looks empty inside but lights are on at night.”

"Do you know her name by any chance?" I asked

Behind me came a voice saying

"To know her is to love her"

a year later, I'm The First Optimistic Cynic

miss being outside 

sunset 

i am distant 

in the woods

looking at the pond 

wish i was down there 

confused and hazed

let's go outside 

it's pretty

from what 

let's take a picture of you 

*looks with you*

let's go down there 

help me be like you 

what are you looking at 

what are you thinking 

what patterns are you noticing 

all inside of sounding echo chambers 

sweet silence when it becomes all too bitter 

wouldn't have it any other way

besides, by your side

the sun is going down 

honestly nothing, i'm fine 

the patterns of your questions 

and I wouldn't have it any other way

all i ask is a little more 

by my side, by myself 

there goes another day 

and another 

of being where we belong 

October through February 

months of bleakness 

on the next stop 

get off and see what the future offers 

friendships that you want to maintain

relationships

interactions 

dreams that need to be feed 

time never stops 

not even for us

but we sure do know how to speed it up 

i'm starting to feel the warmth of our birthdays outside

months that remind you to enjoy this brittle youth

you can make this place your world, invade it!

once you get an idea of your wants and needs

friendships

to gain

that you'll dread?

dreams

 

You Will Not Perish Here

You, master of none 

Only of what where when and why you spend your time on 

Time and life 

Blessings that many lose every morning or night 

The blessing of free will 

The blessing of breathing 

The blessing of feasting

blessed to be in this desert

Many would’ve lost it and decide to be their own God 

Remember these days when you are comfortable once more 

When you find water

Remember these days for the days ahead, far worse temptations will hit your body, soul and mind 

Help the one staggering behind and maybe they’ll do the same  

Remember these days because once you’re gone, you won’t be back again

Pick up and take whatever you find in there, it is meant for you 

Never let anything or anyone come in between of us again 

For I know you’ve felt me use you and bring you happiness out of nothing

For I know you can’t even go a week without speaking to me anymore 

For I know you use the words I place in you in your red blog

For I know you unlike anyone you’ll ever meet

For I know you

You, master of none