Field Notes From The Empathetic Psycho

Hope you know what your words mean

By the way you're using them right now

I know you do  

I've grown tired of your feigned attempts of questioning the validity of my devotion 

To my life, my Lord and ones that truly love me

Show yourselves 

So I won't have to hurt the people you possess 

You say they allowed themselves to be use

I say lack of experience & knowledge    

I'm 

Dancing and laughing with them  

I feel bad cause now I'm laughing at them 

Let me stop

Wait what's that you threw at me this time

Positivity? A compliment? Acknowledgement? 

Purposely or accidentally

Looking past this vessel that one day my soul will out do?

Oh but now you see I do that on the daily

Now you see 

Til the sound around blinds you once more 

I placed traps, wires and presidential tint in a instant

Never do that again if you're excepting something in return 

you talk about change 

but i don’t think you really get it 

ask someone that everything about themselves 

change 

each day they wake up 

except the routine they try to align themselves with 

I use to let

outburst of chems spill all over my brain from all ends of the world, ones never meant for me

Love?; Self-loathing. Mercy & Forgiveness?; Despair. Grace?; Hopelessness.     

how long will it last 

just the car ride to work? 

will the hours speed on by?

or will be stopped and examined 

minute by minute 

how long will it last

the hours to break the routine have fallen upon you

Now how will you use them today 

Having to be so merciful/ruthless to your children

nobody can fathom it 

the power bestowed …. no 

given? you granted yourself? 

who would take up such a position as you

not even the people that wish to be like you 

can wrap around the idea of being

having to be perfect all the time 

pressure from all corners of your creation 

who knows 

problem being an empath 

you can feel their thoughts 

their facial expressions 

certain eyes have a gaze that feels like

i shouldn’t have never seen that 

others are begging for more 

i don’t know which i despise more 

chipping down their walls 

if any 

my mind does the heavy lifting 

overdrive if they blurt something out 

tones, cracks in their voice, stuttering

not holding on to compliments 

they can easily turn into knives afterwards 

letting them steep their way as far as 

I let them in

And The Next Day

 10:02AM, Sunday. This is the latest I've woken up in a while now. I was like a child last night, overindulging on my phone; underneath my freshly washed fur blanket. Satisfying my brain rotted child-like humor but of course staying true to him by revisiting all the important battles of The Great War. Always trying to put myself in the boots of those brave men, some willingly giving their youth to something they thought had meaning. Others forced to forever be remembered as the 20-something year old that got knocked out the map with only 3 kills... Convincing myself that I probably am crazy enough to run out to no man's land; when given the order. Thinking no bullet would graze me while watching my comrades get mow down with a machine gun by another 20-something year old, maybe even younger. That I would even be able to pick my feet up, deep in the mud after days of rain. Hoping I don't fall into a mine or barbed wire. Well I was named after my great grandfather after all. "Okay, on to the second world war." Falling asleep to "World War 2 in HD Colour". Waking up like those sailors at Pearl Harbor to my new alarm; that's been ringing for the past 2 minutes. I was only trying to study the history of my destination. What a great way to study and get to know a place am I right? By its past conflicts and beliefs. Don't get me wrong it is important to know, some people do need that reminder of the horrors committed by the Nazis nowadays. 

2:01PM. I turned in my assignment, I had gotten side-tracked but managed to be done just in time. I finally got the chance to show off my new camera that I had bought a couple months back, it's nicer than I expected. Just wait until I use it for my next campaign. Patience I remind myself. At the same time, the burning desire to execute every idea that comes to mind; sits below me while I'm sun gazing. I will lay in between both for a while today. I was reading of a young lady's life til I heard the DJ start playing some feel-good music at the park today. Putting a stop to my reading. Wishing I can go join in on the fun; show my support and be apart of my community. All I can give is a moment of silence; disturb and study from a far. Hearing them have their fun with the children running on the field. Playing their field games for prizes. I let the moment consume me, letting their happiness fill mine up. Coming back to my reality; looking up to the one tree always watching me coming in and out of conscious. Always attempting to give me shade as I hang on this hammock like a dead body. Sometimes I love my small towns, 15 mins away from my city. I always wonder how I'm going to feel when I leave this place. Right now; I'll miss it. Fun wild people that have your back no matter what, until they don't. I hope they know I have them in my heart and pray the best for all. God Bless America. 

8:08PM. "The concert starts at 8PM." "We'll make it on time she has an opener." Tonight I'm in the back already tipsy with my two favorite freaks! My sister and her boyfriend; which is my best friend. My two favorite people that I love to bother and be their third wheel. Nothing beats being with them. We're on our way to see one of our (my) favorite artist.  The task was simple, enjoy yourself. Opener was great and the people were bots. She had hit the stage with the band and started her first song. My sister and I were the only ones standing up singing along, so she told the crowd they could stand too. It was all the rave until she started to play the one album nobody talks about much; "the mature album".

10:38PM. 

here I am 

Being myself 

Knight in the night 

Just happy to see everyone else having their fun 

Besides me 

Enough to kms

I had fun

just the thought of you

with someone else 

do you hate me?

I wrote in the mist of fans; opera goers; a couple phantoms. I hadn't seen them at all during the show. It was like watching a whole parade come out and go into their party bus. Some of them saw me and invited me into the bus. "Sorry I'm waiting on my friends." After about what seemed like an hour, they came out. Couple people were still lingering around, packing some of the band's equipment into the vans. "Sorry she had a little too much to drink." We had drank the same amount. "Let's get something to eat I know a spot near here." We made our way there; to one of the worst wings I've had. Says a lot in this city; famous for our wing spots. None of us finished our meals. They were both trying to figure out what had gotten into me all that time while they were gone. I revealed another embarrassing truth. "I've been charmed..." I still hadn't told them... Where I'll be, same time tomorrow.  Instead I read them this poem; an attempt to stop myself nodding off like a fiend...

Grey skies

Feel at home

Rain cooling me down 

Look up till I permanently get monochromatic vision 

Till my friends wonder where I am 

or the color maker comes bursting though the thick wall of stillness

Bringing noise to my moment of silence 

Giving me life and health 

Alone like always 

oh how I love it 

Until I'm reminded how much of a good friend I can be 

Till I'm reminded how much of a good partner I can be 

Reminded how great I am 

Remind me why I had to be nerfed 

oh that's right 

I'm suppose to think I deserve this 

I'm suppose to be stronger after all this 

i already am

a mess

Wiser, stronger, selfless most of the time

til I'm reminded, I'm not God 

I am I, a human with wants and needs

Flesh, bones, organs to feed

Mind, body, soul and all

Stolen pieces and all

Emotional or emotionless

23

where's the fun at

what can we do my beloveds

anything for you all

I am your brother, uncle, cousin, friend, man

of extremity

American Daughter

A ghost has been haunting me 

Stuck in the corner of my eye 

I could feel it's gaze through my window when I decide to make an entry

I turn to see all day

Nothing 

I turn to see all night 

Deep ocean blue eyes that you can see glowing from miles away 

Leaving tracers when they move

Dark burgundy hair, perfect for the holiday season 

Bunny cheeks 

Baby pink like a pantheress

The only skin that I was able to make out was pale as snow

We had locked eyes, like we’d always would around this time

I pulled my camera out to use the flash, to see if I could capture her

She turned and headed towards my neighbor’s house

That’s when I knew I had to know who she was 

Attraction 

Her walk took my heart and mirrored her steps

Slightly irregular 

Next morning I asked my neighbor if they’ve seen her as well 

“Oh! the young lady that lives a couple blocks down?”

“She lives alone with her mother, I always see her around on weekdays” 

“I’m not sure where they head on the weekends, their cars are always gone when I drive by their house”

“Looks empty inside but lights are on at night.”

"Do you know her name by any chance?" I asked

Behind me came a voice saying

"To know her is to love her"

a year later, I'm The First Optimistic Cynic

miss being outside 

sunset 

i am distant 

in the woods

looking at the pond 

wish i was down there 

confused and hazed

let's go outside 

it's pretty

from what 

let's take a picture of you 

*looks with you*

let's go down there 

help me be like you 

what are you looking at 

what are you thinking 

what patterns are you noticing 

all inside of sounding echo chambers 

sweet silence when it becomes all too bitter 

wouldn't have it any other way

besides, by your side

the sun is going down 

honestly nothing, i'm fine 

the patterns of your questions 

and I wouldn't have it any other way

all i ask is a little more 

by my side, by myself 

there goes another day 

and another 

of being where we belong 

October through February 

months of bleakness 

on the next stop 

get off and see what the future offers 

friendships that you want to maintain

relationships

interactions 

dreams that need to be feed 

time never stops 

not even for us

but we sure do know how to speed it up 

i'm starting to feel the warmth of our birthdays outside

months that remind you to enjoy this brittle youth

you can make this place your world, invade it!

once you get an idea of your wants and needs

friendships

to gain

that you'll dread?

dreams

 

Turkish Delight (The Second Dream That Was Never Mentioned)

Late spring

The life of the young worker/designer and his secret was slowly coming to light 

Without his consent

A life of geeked bedrotting 

What a bore
til U finally came around 

unrequited fiend/voluble english teacher

both sullen 

Perfect for our vocations

In PT or as writers?

In having our bodies in the same safe colors?

Loving each shade of them 

Or giving them more variety 

at least in the summer

In being God & Goddess? 

Or in serving the only real constant one

I was in purity when I saw your "new" heart belt 

The start of my second real attempt to devoting my life to my Lord

Your latest story was eerily similar to the burned stills in my memories 

Fragments of the past 6 years up until that point

Relived 

Relieved that they're fading away

But it was enough to make me believe you aren't real

Words being pulled out my mind and soul while I slept

There was no way someone just like me existed elsewhere 

Still believe you don't, there could only be one

And you are the one

You say I owe you a poem 

Didn't you read the second half of my other work

Traits of mine

If not here's one you're not going to like...

Hours spent on the couch, waiting patiently

Everyone evaporated 

had spent hours eating donuts

had you where you told everyone you hated to be
In my arms

**** ** **** ***** *** ** *

**** ** *** ***** 

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Appreciating U 
Warmth to that faceless apparition  
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** ** ********? 

You Will Not Perish Here

You, master of none 

Only of what where when and why you spend your time on 

Time and life 

Blessings that many lose every morning or night 

The blessing of free will 

The blessing of breathing 

The blessing of feasting

blessed to be in this desert

Many would’ve lost it and decide to be their own God 

Remember these days when you are comfortable once more 

When you find water

Remember these days for the days ahead, far worse temptations will hit your body, soul and mind 

Help the one staggering behind and maybe they’ll do the same  

Remember these days because once you’re gone, you won’t be back again

Pick up and take whatever you find in there, it is meant for you 

Never let anything or anyone come in between of us again 

For I know you’ve felt me use you and bring you happiness out of nothing

For I know you can’t even go a week without speaking to me anymore 

For I know you use the words I place in you in your red blog

For I know you unlike anyone you’ll ever meet

For I know you

You, master of none

For Us Freaks

How was it possible for Jesus to live in this Earth?

Knowing he could've ended it all just with the thought and will of it 

Love saved us but

Even after death 

Always taken for granted on a daily

Begged and pleaded by his followers/lovers to be forgiven, after a night/day of us cheating on Him 

Giving it to them anyways, knowing they can and will do it again

Understood and not accepted 

Loathed by many for simply wanting to be near them 

For attempting to give them eternality 

Makes me sick how we humans can be at times 

So inconsiderate to each other and our Lord, for the name of my pride! 

My image, my armor, my ego! 

Perhaps this was one of the reasons why Jesus had to come 

In order to know how we humans truly think and feel

Our selfish nature

For the sake of sympathy for humanity

I catch myself feeding my egotistical side too 

It’s normal, but I never try doing it at the cost of others 

No matter who you are

I guess I just feel too much 

Today I thought of a man from my childhood church 

He was a quiet reserved gentle middle aged man that never bothered anyone

Now that I’m twenty-three and have an opinion on everything that interests me 

I can say that the only time he would bother anyone was for a ride to and from church 

And when he would ask for a time after worship to say how grateful he was with the Lord

Updates on his life

What blessings (maybe nothing or the norm for others) the Lord has gifted him 

They would call his name

Gets up cautiously 

Shaking off the nerves off his legs, ready to walk up with his broken sway

Mic visibly rotating around his hand, trying to get the words out 

Soft spoken too 

I remember seeing this as a kid and I know I didn’t feel bad or pity for the man 

Now I know what I felt 

Compassion, Admiration, Joyous

I know that’s what the pastor felt with that great pure full smile of his 

But I can’t help to put him in one of my hypotheticals

I'm pretty sure he’s still alive but if he were here and put on broadcast for the whole world to see 

How many bots would taunt him, how many would scoff at his praises 

For his life, for his being, for his fruits that he wanted to show everybody

For finding beauty in the mundane

For being God’s lab experiments and to be put in this world

To have something to talk about, have a cheap laugh off 

To add a little piece to their broken masks 

I wonder what God feels when He sees this happen

I personally would join him and laugh at the vacuous myriad of souls that surround us 

And wish them well 

Or you could join us because we are not too far apart if you truly think about it 

And if we are, why not love the diversity we are so privileged to know and be around?