Monday, May 12, 2025

Field Notes From The Empathetic Psycho


Hope you know what your words mean
By the way you're using them right now
I know you do  
I've grown tired of your feigned attempts of questioning the validity of my devotion 
To my life, my Lord and ones that truly love me
Show yourselves 
So I won't have to hurt the people you possess 
You say they allowed themselves to be use
I say lack of experience & knowledge    
I'm 
Dancing and laughing with them  
I feel bad cause now I'm laughing at them 
Let me stop
Wait what's that you threw at me this time
Positivity? A compliment? Acknowledgement? 
Purposely or accidentally
Looking past this vessel that one day my soul will out do?
Oh but now you see I do that on the daily
Now you see 
Til the sound around blinds you once more 
I placed traps, wires and presidential tint in a instant
Never do that again if you're excepting something in return 

you talk about change 
but i don’t think you really get it 
ask someone that everything about themselves 
change 
each day they wake up 
except the routine they try to align themselves with 
I use to let
outburst of chems spill all over my brain from all ends of the world, ones never meant for me
Love?; Self-loathing. Mercy & Forgiveness?; Despair. Grace?; Hopelessness.     
how long will it last 
just the car ride to work? 
will the hours speed on by?
or will be stopped and examined 
minute by minute 
how long will it last
the hours to break the routine have fallen upon you
Now how will you use them today 


Having to be so merciful/ruthless to your children
nobody can fathom it 
the power bestowed …. no 
given? you granted yourself? 
who would take up such a position as you
not even the people that wish to be like you 
can wrap around the idea of being
having to be perfect all the time 
pressure from all corners of your creation 
who knows 


problem being an empath 
you can feel their thoughts 
their facial expressions 
certain eyes have a gaze that feels like
i shouldn’t have never seen that 
others are begging for more 
i don’t know which i despise more 


chipping down their walls 
if any 
my mind does the heavy lifting 
overdrive if they blurt something out 
tones, cracks in their voice, stuttering


not holding on to compliments 
they can easily turn into knives afterwards 
letting them steep their way as far as 
I let them in


Sunday, March 2, 2025

And The Next Day

 10:02AM, Sunday. This is the latest I've woken up in a while now. I was like a child last night, overindulging on my phone; underneath my freshly washed fur blanket. Satisfying my brain rotted child-like humor but of course staying true to him by revisiting all the important battles of The Great War. Always trying to put myself in the boots of those brave men, some willingly giving their youth to something they thought had meaning. Others forced to forever be remembered as the 20-something year old that got knocked out the map with only 3 kills... Convincing myself that I probably am crazy enough to run out to no man's land; when given the order. Thinking no bullet would graze me while watching my comrades get mow down with a machine gun by another 20-something year old, maybe even younger. That I would even be able to pick my feet up, deep in the mud after days of rain. Hoping I don't fall into a mine or barbed wire. Well I was named after my great grandfather after all. "Okay, on to the second world war." Falling asleep to "World War 2 in HD Colour". Waking up like those sailors at Pearl Harbor to my new alarm; that's been ringing for the past 2 minutes. I was only trying to study the history of my destination. What a great way to study and get to know a place am I right? By its past conflicts and beliefs. Don't get me wrong it is important to know, some people do need that reminder of the horrors committed by the Nazis nowadays. 


2:01PM. I turned in my assignment, I had gotten side-tracked but managed to be done just in time. I finally got the chance to show off my new camera that I had bought a couple months back, it's nicer than I expected. Just wait until I use it for my next campaign. Patience I remind myself. At the same time, the burning desire to execute every idea that comes to mind; sits below me while I'm sun gazing. I will lay in between both for a while today. I was reading of a young lady's life til I heard the DJ start playing some feel-good music at the park today. Putting a stop to my reading. Wishing I can go join in on the fun; show my support and be apart of my community. All I can give is a moment of silence; disturb and study from a far. Hearing them have their fun with the children running on the field. Playing their field games for prizes. I let the moment consume me, letting their happiness fill mine up. Coming back to my reality; looking up to the one tree always watching me coming in and out of conscious. Always attempting to give me shade as I hang on this hammock like a dead body. Sometimes I love my small towns, 15 mins away from my city. I always wonder how I'm going to feel when I leave this place. Right now; I'll miss it. Fun wild people that have your back no matter what, until they don't. I hope they know I have them in my heart and pray the best for all. God Bless America. 


8:08PM. "The concert starts at 8PM." "We'll make it on time she has an opener." Tonight I'm in the back already tipsy with my two favorite freaks! My sister and her boyfriend; which is my best friend. My two favorite people that I love to bother and be their third wheel. Nothing beats being with them. We're on our way to see one of our (my) favorite artist.  The task was simple, enjoy yourself. Opener was great and the people were bots. She had hit the stage with the band and started her first song. My sister and I were the only ones standing up singing along, so she told the crowd they could stand too. It was all the rave until she started to play the one album nobody talks about much; "the mature album".


10:38PM. 
here I am 
Being myself 
Knight in the night 
Just happy to see everyone else having their fun 
Besides me 
Enough to kms
I had fun
just the thought of you
with someone else 
do you hate me?

I wrote in the mist of fans; opera goers; a couple phantoms. I hadn't seen them at all during the show. It was like watching a whole parade come out and go into their party bus. Some of them saw me and invited me into the bus. "Sorry I'm waiting on my friends." After about what seemed like an hour, they came out. Couple people were still lingering around, packing some of the band's equipment into the vans. "Sorry she had a little too much to drink." We had drank the same amount. "Let's get something to eat I know a spot near here." We made our way there; to one of the worst wings I've had. Says a lot in this city; famous for our wing spots. None of us finished our meals. They were both trying to figure out what had gotten into me all that time while they were gone. I revealed another embarrassing truth. "I've been charmed..." I still hadn't told them... Where I'll be, same time tomorrow.  Instead I read them this poem; an attempt to stop myself nodding off like a fiend...


Grey skies
Feel at home
Rain cooling me down 
Look up till I permanently get monochromatic vision 
Till my friends wonder where I am 
or the color maker comes bursting though the thick wall of stillness
Bringing noise to my moment of silence 
Giving me life and health 
Alone like always 
oh how I love it 
Until I'm reminded how much of a good friend I can be 
Till I'm reminded how much of a good partner I can be 
Reminded how great I am 
Remind me why I had to be nerfed 
oh that's right 
I'm suppose to think I deserve this 
I'm suppose to be stronger after all this 
i already am
a mess
Wiser, stronger, selfless most of the time
til I'm reminded, I'm not God 
I am I, a human with wants and needs
Flesh, bones, organs to feed
Mind, body, soul and all
Stolen pieces and all
Emotional or emotionless
23
where's the fun at
what can we do my beloveds
anything for you all
I am your brother, uncle, friend, man
of extremity








Friday, February 14, 2025

American Daughter



A ghost has been haunting me 
Stuck in the corner of my eye 
I could feel it's gaze through my window when I decide to make an entry
I turn to see all day
Nothing 
I turn to see all night 
Deep ocean blue eyes that you can see glowing from miles away 
Leaving tracers when they move
Dark burgundy hair, perfect for the holiday season 
Bunny cheeks 
Baby pink like a pantheress
The only skin that I was able to make out was pale as snow
We had locked eyes, like we’d always would around this time
I pulled my camera out to use the flash, to see if I could capture her
She turned and headed towards my neighbor’s house
That’s when I knew I had to know who she was 
Attraction 
Her walk took my heart and mirrored her steps
Slightly irregular 

Next morning I asked my neighbor if they’ve seen her as well 

“Oh! the young lady that lives a couple blocks down?”
“She lives alone with her mother, I always see her around on weekdays” 
“I’m not sure where they head on the weekends, their cars are always gone when I drive by their house”
“Looks empty inside but lights are on at night.”

"Do you know her name by any chance?" I asked
Behind me came a voice saying

"To know her is to love her"







Friday, February 7, 2025

a year later, I'm The First Optimistic Cynic



miss being outside 
sunset 
i am distant 
in the woods
looking at the pond 
wish i was down there 
confused and hazed
let's go outside 
it's pretty
from what 
let's take a picture of you 
*looks with you*
let's go down there 
help me be like you 
what are you looking at 
what are you thinking 
what patterns are you noticing 
all inside of sounding echo chambers 
sweet silence when it becomes all too bitter 
wouldn't have it any other way
besides, by your side
the sun is going down 
honestly nothing, i'm fine 
the patterns of your questions 
and I wouldn't have it any other way
all i ask is a little more 
by my side, by myself 

there goes another day 
and another 
of being where we belong 
October through February 
months of bleakness 
on the next stop 
get off and see what the future offers 
friendships that you want to maintain
relationships
interactions 
dreams that need to be feed 
time never stops 
not even for us
but we sure do know how to speed it up 
i'm starting to feel the warmth of our birthdays outside
months that remind you to enjoy this brittle youth
you can make this place your world, invade it!
once you get an idea of your wants and needs
friendships
to gain
that you'll dread?
dreams
 

Sunday, September 22, 2024

Back In July (The One That Never Got To You)

Sunset
No headlights 
Scattered clouds 
Light blue skies 
With my ruby red Love glasses on 
Clearer vision to the illusion 
I admit it 
My last poem about you was uncalled for 
Maybe, who knows 
I will do anything and everything for you, to not notice
Sometimes 
If it’s from U 
More subtle each time
Scenes of my favorite song at the moment with you in it
Would love to join but why would I be there 
I could be an unpaid “worker” if it meant I could get a glimpse
“Bring me my sandals and go light up the candles”
To familiar trees and greens surrounding you
About an hour and so out with traffic 
Something Mary & Joseph couldn’t say 
Only our Lord knows how crazy we are 
Hearing the same crickets outside 
The creatures that let us know it’s nighttime 
Tonight
The closest I’ve ever been to U, in the land of the living 
That I know of 
Meet with me when I decide to close my eyes
Hope you enjoy the rain while you’re here
Go to sleep 

Saturday, September 21, 2024

No Victory Without Suffering

Miracles happening on Peachtree rd 
Ones that has nothing to do with money 
Ones that love and care are needed 
Just God working 
A dreadful chapter in a young married couple’s life
A chapter that no young love should live through this early on
Crying for my sister, because I know how it is to have no self love 
Not being able to feel or do what others can
Knowing how hospitals can be after 2020
Luckily she married my brother that’s just as strong as her 
A love that many hope to have one day
Speeding home so I can finish this 



How can you know something is good without going through the days of void first
Everyone wants you at the end of them 
Everyone wants to be comfortable 
Have the blessings 
Be a part of yours 
But never learn from the process 
Hear or see the ugly
Glad I can feel for the parched 
The broken and lost
While the world mocks 
I will be next to them 
Not caring 
I am attracted to the “freaks”
I will lay down my life for mine 
Everyone else is so boring
Love your process 
And be with your Lord   

You Will Not Perish Here



You, master of none 
Only of what where when and why you spend your time on 
Time and life 
Blessings that many lose every morning or night 
The blessing of free will 
The blessing of breathing 
The blessing of feasting
blessed to be in this desert
Many would’ve lost it and decide to be their own God 
Remember these days when you are comfortable once more 
When you find water
Remember these days for the days ahead, far worse temptations will hit your body, soul and mind 
Help the one staggering behind and maybe they’ll do the same  
Remember these days because once you’re gone, you won’t be back again
Pick up and take whatever you find in there, it is meant for you 
Never let anything or anyone come in between of us again 
For I know you’ve felt me use you and bring you happiness out of nothing
For I know you can’t even go a week without speaking to me anymore 
For I know you use the words I place in you in your red blog
For I know you unlike anyone you’ll ever meet
For I know you
You, master of none

Field Notes From The Empathetic Psycho

Hope you know what your words mean By the way you're using them right now I know you do    I've grown tired of your feigned attempts...