Journal Entry 04/03/25

 

This is probably the closest I would want to be; being homeless. I am down the street from my job with my lunch, citation ticket, silver spoon, some gum, nearly dead AirPods, iPhone & of course my journal & pen. I found a bench near here to sit & write this to pass the time; I'm not expected at work until 30 minutes from now. Watching, hearing the cars pass me by. Reminds me of the time when I took acid with my old high school friends & we walked a great distance to the nearest park that caused my nightmare trip that lead to questioning my own existence, who exactly was I that night? Too young to answer that at the time. Seeing the tracers coming off the cars' headlights as they pass. I'm not mad that I'm here; in this situation. It's something new & something I've been in already. Maybe because it's just for the day; thank God I've become more responsible with my time. Thank God I live in this country that I'm able to work just for them to take it all away in a day. I swear I didn't blow it all in a day this time! I was forced! Thank God I don't care too much for money. Watching, hearing the regulars of this life pass me by. Laugh on! God Bless! 

all this... plotted against me or for me?

as i'm praying for you 

as i'm praying to You 

the good and the bad

feels like their roles have flipped 

it's not easy to maintain such an "act"

i'm listening to your songs again 

pretending you are next to me 

watching me grow 

but you're not God

i wouldn't mind walking to the bus stop with you

sitting across from each other on the train 

the young worker 

going around business to business 

whatever country 

to grow 

prosper

without a care 

will you pay me? 

pay me now.

Part of The Blueprint

 Today I spent most of my afternoon chasing fragments of the last time I got to be around you and reading aimlessly at names on gravestones. I can't say the last time I've actually seen you sadly. A mistake? That I question til this day. Was it my fault that I never reached out to you since then? Since the last time we shared a laugh? Might've been even further back since we shared a word. I still remember the day I met you in 10th grade, forced to be in a group together in class with our mutual friend that has the same name as you. I even told you this later on in our friendship that I thought you looked like a crackhead baby to me when I first saw you. You laughed and said that you thought I was from India or Bangladesh because of my skin complexion. We both probably poked at an insecurity that we had when we were just boys in the playgrounds. I made you my best man for the rest of the 3 years we had there. Naturally, I never would go out my way to talk or get to know someone unless I was forced to, unlike now. That brings me to my regret once again. Not being able to reach out to you in your final years here. I honestly don't know why, so many factors to think about and add in to just make me feel less guilty or to remind me how horrible of a person I truly was. I will never know until I get to see you again and ask our Lord together to have a good cry or laugh when He tells us. Something that seems further away now than it did these past few years. 

I drove up the same hill I remember walking down from, to the crowd you drew. I remember it being on somewhat flat land, not hilly like the section right across from yours. I skimmed through your section, further and further out. Even in the hills that I knew I wasn't going to find you. Walking around a cemetery with an overdue visit and flowers, you watching me walk by you like 3 times for the past 3 hours. I went back to the tree and field I remember so vividly, I knew I wasn't stupid. There you were; with a crucifix with Jesus on top of your first name and a small teddy bear on your last name. Looking at the dates; "I'm older than you by a couple months".  It's been 4 years. I tried to think about all those years, still just a blur without the help of my camera roll. All that time; all that life that your friends and family kept living, how I kept living. How one day it'll happen to me, how you were still too young. How things would've been between you & I, would you have reached out to me all these past years and continue our friendship? Would I have? I know now that I would've at this point of time or maybe even earlier knowing you. How you still live through me, how I must continue to enjoy it through it all because I'm here. I brought you my resolved problems and the ones that seems like nothing to me now. I told you about my healing, how your voice still rings in my head from time to time yelling out the jokes we would in school, public or through game chat. How you made me into a hype beast in English class when you showed me the supreme weekly drops. How we hanged out the last day of school and you tried giving me an excuse on why you wouldn't smoke weed; with an undertone of anxiety, just like me. I knew never to peer pressuring you into doing it. How you actually would make me laugh just by making stupid faces or none at all. Knew where to draw the line and how to deal with people that crossed it. So effortlessly; making friends out of them. We actually looked out for each other. A strong bond that formed just in the matter of 3 years between 2 strangers that didn't knew were brothers til then. Today you reminded me again to never take people that love you for you; for granted. One of my bestest & beloved friends since then til now and forever. Thank you. 

You Are A Piece of Heaven

Sepulchral sounds casting over this harbor of a room; I can't feel the rain, I've been radiating, unapologetically blinding men and women out in sea to remind them where to set sail.

Awry directions being sung around them by evil spirits; I don't say a word. 

Looking down at the black vast abyss they find themselves in; who will take the bait, following them with their lust and confusion towards the cacophonous hymns being thrown up at me 

Eschewing them all and from warning the neophyte souls until they land on their islets so I can watch them incinerate those wretched sirens & demons with the light they carry, like fireflies, back I go to 

My sacrosanct: towering over on the periphery of this new land made after the collapse of the old Earth and rapture of the Almighty God's Church.

God Blessed be His Name, Our Lord Jesus Christ gave me this honor to guide these poor souls that didn't make it the first round to His Court to be judged. 

I switch commands; guide/destroy

Lurid creatures waiting beneath the thin veil of this void; the remains of the physical world and their inevitable demise they cultivated for themselves, damnation, under the 

Auspices of The Almighty God, Our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ & The Holy Spirit I will not let them anywhere near these unreachable golden gates and impenetrable walls of clouds

By His Graces; He has allowed me to still have the memory of your mother when I descend, with the promise I wouldn't lose my self control when I deliver her to judgement and bare witness or not able to before the golden gates touch old Earth

I too, am behind the veil but of salvation gazing at the damned

I vehemently pursued her surreptitious soul that has only grown in light since I got raptured

Today is my last expedition around this black sea

Tomorrow the last generation of Old Earths' children and you guys; New Earths' first generation of children will grow together 

With or without

We have brought His Kingdom 

The armies of the old Earth stand before us and our Lord  

Old Earth

Recklessly left from time to time to be run by other rulers

The years that we were made into their slaves

Self-loathing & passing out what was left of our hearts & spirits to always come home empty-handed

Making their words & thoughts the law in our land, what a feeble king we had 

We had him hanged at the start of the new year

His last words: Hide your ears, hide your eyes. He is here looking for souls to devour & save

Our Lord looks back at us with flames in his eyes and we chant

Our Lord is here and alive! Ready to address the world and avenge the martyrs of the Faith! 

        

Your Hands Were Never Mine (Only You Know)

On the bus on our way back home 

Sitting across from each other, staring til one of us would roam

A patient game for two impaired, impatient individuals 

I thought I had built mine up high enough before getting here

I thought you didn't had to deal with that same little boy

How embarrassing, how selfish

Of me to ask for more, only to know half of how you feel  

Stopping him there because he already has his world right in front of him 

Prompting him to make yet another world within his world 

A world that his world had built

Not knowing her world could have been stolen made limitless 

Not knowing his world could have been stolen and brought back better so effortlessly 

Not knowing their worlds could ever have light in them  

Your serenity over us, keeping us at bay 

Nothing is missing: kept yelling your eyes 

Nothing is the matter, I replied 

Bus didn’t stop at our stop

So we decided to blink 

You landed in the field 

I had enough time to clean around before you got here 

Opened the windows to let the smoke out

For days 

Letting the sun witness the mess that we created

Cleaned the blood off the walls and floors

For days 

Cloth after cloth 

I wrapped a new one on top of the drenched bunch  

Till I made you a new heart 

Cleaned the candle wax off the cracked tiles. 

Wax floating on the water with some of your hair, there I found your ankh necklace that I despised

It would make you press me down on my left side when I would fall asleep mid-prayer at night 

So I burned it on top of the draining tub 

Room full of mirrors, I hadn't really looked at myself for days now 

I took my shades off, I look amazing

Thinking how you should be able to see me 

Thinking of how lucky the people around you are

Thinking of songs that should remind you of me, how to arrange them to fill the space in between

Thinking of how much I have left to go 

Thinking of how you make your way to my prayers, how much you take up of them 

Fearing the Lord will notice how distracted I'm getting and decide to let me feel your coldness to make me appreciate His Everlasting Flame He has set in me more

Fearing the Lord will notice how U and Him are going hand and hand 

Fearing He'll hate how I worded that last sentence

Fearing He'll wake me up from this lake of illusions I've been trying to swim in

You will be the last thing on His list to remove from my mind and life so He can completely engulf me in His Flame  

I wouldn't have it any other way

I hear you singing one of the songs from the tape I gave you, making your way back home 

Last minute cleaning; rushing everything out the door, into a closet, the attic, the basement

NO MORE FLEETING THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS 

No space left for anything but praise to the spirit that'll bring peace and purity into this place

Everything as to be set in place, it takes my all to do this and still

His Grace helps me clean for His arrival

Field Notes From The Empathetic Psycho

Hope you know what your words mean

By the way you're using them right now

I know you do  

I've grown tired of your feigned attempts of questioning the validity of my devotion 

To my life, my Lord and ones that truly love me

Show yourselves 

So I won't have to hurt the people you possess 

You say they allowed themselves to be use

I say lack of experience & knowledge    

I'm 

Dancing and laughing with them  

I feel bad cause now I'm laughing at them 

Let me stop

Wait what's that you threw at me this time

Positivity? A compliment? Acknowledgement? 

Purposely or accidentally

Looking past this vessel that one day my soul will out do?

Oh but now you see I do that on the daily

Now you see 

Til the sound around blinds you once more 

I placed traps, wires and presidential tint in a instant

Never do that again if you're excepting something in return 

you talk about change 

but i don’t think you really get it 

ask someone that everything about themselves 

change 

each day they wake up 

except the routine they try to align themselves with 

I use to let

outburst of chems spill all over my brain from all ends of the world, ones never meant for me

Love?; Self-loathing. Mercy & Forgiveness?; Despair. Grace?; Hopelessness.     

how long will it last 

just the car ride to work? 

will the hours speed on by?

or will be stopped and examined 

minute by minute 

how long will it last

the hours to break the routine have fallen upon you

Now how will you use them today 

Having to be so merciful/ruthless to your children

nobody can fathom it 

the power bestowed …. no 

given? you granted yourself? 

who would take up such a position as you

not even the people that wish to be like you 

can wrap around the idea of being

having to be perfect all the time 

pressure from all corners of your creation 

who knows 

problem being an empath 

you can feel their thoughts 

their facial expressions 

certain eyes have a gaze that feels like

i shouldn’t have never seen that 

others are begging for more 

i don’t know which i despise more 

chipping down their walls 

if any 

my mind does the heavy lifting 

overdrive if they blurt something out 

tones, cracks in their voice, stuttering

not holding on to compliments 

they can easily turn into knives afterwards 

letting them steep their way as far as 

I let them in

And The Next Day

 10:02AM, Sunday. This is the latest I've woken up in a while now. I was like a child last night, overindulging on my phone; underneath my freshly washed fur blanket. Satisfying my brain rotted child-like humor but of course staying true to him by revisiting all the important battles of The Great War. Always trying to put myself in the boots of those brave men, some willingly giving their youth to something they thought had meaning. Others forced to forever be remembered as the 20-something year old that got knocked out the map with only 3 kills... Convincing myself that I probably am crazy enough to run out to no man's land; when given the order. Thinking no bullet would graze me while watching my comrades get mow down with a machine gun by another 20-something year old, maybe even younger. That I would even be able to pick my feet up, deep in the mud after days of rain. Hoping I don't fall into a mine or barbed wire. Well I was named after my great grandfather after all. "Okay, on to the second world war." Falling asleep to "World War 2 in HD Colour". Waking up like those sailors at Pearl Harbor to my new alarm; that's been ringing for the past 2 minutes. I was only trying to study the history of my destination. What a great way to study and get to know a place am I right? By its past conflicts and beliefs. Don't get me wrong it is important to know, some people do need that reminder of the horrors committed by the Nazis nowadays. 

2:01PM. I turned in my assignment, I had gotten side-tracked but managed to be done just in time. I finally got the chance to show off my new camera that I had bought a couple months back, it's nicer than I expected. Just wait until I use it for my next campaign. Patience I remind myself. At the same time, the burning desire to execute every idea that comes to mind; sits below me while I'm sun gazing. I will lay in between both for a while today. I was reading of a young lady's life til I heard the DJ start playing some feel-good music at the park today. Putting a stop to my reading. Wishing I can go join in on the fun; show my support and be apart of my community. All I can give is a moment of silence; disturb and study from a far. Hearing them have their fun with the children running on the field. Playing their field games for prizes. I let the moment consume me, letting their happiness fill mine up. Coming back to my reality; looking up to the one tree always watching me coming in and out of conscious. Always attempting to give me shade as I hang on this hammock like a dead body. Sometimes I love my small towns, 15 mins away from my city. I always wonder how I'm going to feel when I leave this place. Right now; I'll miss it. Fun wild people that have your back no matter what, until they don't. I hope they know I have them in my heart and pray the best for all. God Bless America. 

8:08PM. "The concert starts at 8PM." "We'll make it on time she has an opener." Tonight I'm in the back already tipsy with my two favorite freaks! My sister and her boyfriend; which is my best friend. My two favorite people that I love to bother and be their third wheel. Nothing beats being with them. We're on our way to see one of our (my) favorite artist.  The task was simple, enjoy yourself. Opener was great and the people were bots. She had hit the stage with the band and started her first song. My sister and I were the only ones standing up singing along, so she told the crowd they could stand too. It was all the rave until she started to play the one album nobody talks about much; "the mature album".

10:38PM. 

here I am 

Being myself 

Knight in the night 

Just happy to see everyone else having their fun 

Besides me 

Enough to kms

I had fun

just the thought of you

with someone else 

do you hate me?

I wrote in the mist of fans; opera goers; a couple phantoms. I hadn't seen them at all during the show. It was like watching a whole parade come out and go into their party bus. Some of them saw me and invited me into the bus. "Sorry I'm waiting on my friends." After about what seemed like an hour, they came out. Couple people were still lingering around, packing some of the band's equipment into the vans. "Sorry she had a little too much to drink." We had drank the same amount. "Let's get something to eat I know a spot near here." We made our way there; to one of the worst wings I've had. Says a lot in this city; famous for our wing spots. None of us finished our meals. They were both trying to figure out what had gotten into me all that time while they were gone. I revealed another embarrassing truth. "I've been charmed..." I still hadn't told them... Where I'll be, same time tomorrow.  Instead I read them this poem; an attempt to stop myself nodding off like a fiend...

Grey skies

Feel at home

Rain cooling me down 

Look up till I permanently get monochromatic vision 

Till my friends wonder where I am 

or the color maker comes bursting though the thick wall of stillness

Bringing noise to my moment of silence 

Giving me life and health 

Alone like always 

oh how I love it 

Until I'm reminded how much of a good friend I can be 

Till I'm reminded how much of a good partner I can be 

Reminded how great I am 

Remind me why I had to be nerfed 

oh that's right 

I'm suppose to think I deserve this 

I'm suppose to be stronger after all this 

i already am

a mess

Wiser, stronger, selfless most of the time

til I'm reminded, I'm not God 

I am I, a human with wants and needs

Flesh, bones, organs to feed

Mind, body, soul and all

Stolen pieces and all

Emotional or emotionless

23

where's the fun at

what can we do my beloveds

anything for you all

I am your brother, uncle, cousin, friend, man

of extremity

American Daughter

A ghost has been haunting me 

Stuck in the corner of my eye 

I could feel it's gaze through my window when I decide to make an entry

I turn to see all day

Nothing 

I turn to see all night 

Deep ocean blue eyes that you can see glowing from miles away 

Leaving tracers when they move

Dark burgundy hair, perfect for the holiday season 

Bunny cheeks 

Baby pink like a pantheress

The only skin that I was able to make out was pale as snow

We had locked eyes, like we’d always would around this time

I pulled my camera out to use the flash, to see if I could capture her

She turned and headed towards my neighbor’s house

That’s when I knew I had to know who she was 

Attraction 

Her walk took my heart and mirrored her steps

Slightly irregular 

Next morning I asked my neighbor if they’ve seen her as well 

“Oh! the young lady that lives a couple blocks down?”

“She lives alone with her mother, I always see her around on weekdays” 

“I’m not sure where they head on the weekends, their cars are always gone when I drive by their house”

“Looks empty inside but lights are on at night.”

"Do you know her name by any chance?" I asked

Behind me came a voice saying

"To know her is to love her"