Stabbing myself while on calls
Watching the blood run down my leg while they sold me something or just told me about their day
Each word that I said; a new wound, "this is okay" I would think
Paraphrasing and sometimes letting them finish my sentences off
Just when it sounded like I had some sense in me I would stab myself and twist
Not knowing you were watching me, watching the blood run down my arm
Every time when you came close & try to help, dial tone grew louder
You wanted to be held and I wanted to hold
You not caring if you were being bathed in my blood but you stayed for too long
I had no sense of space or moderation
I suffocated you, I only realized when you grew cold and I too lively to lay with you anymore
Gave you my kiss and blew your life back into you
Waking back up to the sight of me, gave me your kiss then pushed me off you; kicked me and spat on me
You left and set out to destroy the misery I gifted you and me
Enjoying your new found freedom that was always a door away, a reply away, a yes away, one "bad" day away
Weeks away from me, months if you were strong enough
You were depriving me of your growth, the small light you were able to accumulate
With that light you bought reasons for a bottle or two every other weekend, which they would lead you right back to me
Resentment grew but in a moment of clarity or delusion; you would see the side of my head, in your head, and the words I would say to you
The confidence of an old boy with little sugar hiccups & clearing of the throat when uncertainty would climb it's way up
Promises of a native marriage, inside jokes, pre-material sex, unhealthy worship and being immoral
Analogies of the love & all the different skies, stars, moons, suns and signs
All the temptations you could think of before becoming a "legal" adult
The eyes of the devil himself in the body of a child of God when you remembered them
The potential of a good man in him & the comfort his arms would bring
You wanted familiarity, I needed warmth
You call, watching from a distance
You see I've grown tired but I answer
We fake one more loving conversation to see how it feels but you heard it from my voice
Then I heard it in your voice, acceptance to the sad reality
Music to my ears now because it reminds me of when I could feel, when I had someone's heart in my hands and I could squeeze however hard I wanted and see how they would react
When that tone would come up from me and seeing how it would affect you, like a natural sympathy detector
They were highs that only built more tolerance, would take so much to regulate back to baseline
Stunt your growth, become obsessed, don't say a word about it for months; years for a better high
So I knew I had to let that be the last anything I existed in
I slit my throat, watched myself bleed out in third person, you running to me
For years you tried all kinds of mediums to reach me and I tried to show you how vacant my being had become and this spot I stripped away from you
Some days you cared, others you didn't as much
I saw a will of cleansing and didn't say a word
