Today I spent most of my afternoon chasing fragments of the last time I got to be around you and reading aimlessly at names on gravestones. I can't say the last time I've actually seen you sadly. A mistake? That I question til this day. Was it my fault that I never reached out to you since then? Since the last time we shared a laugh? Might've been even further back since we shared a word. I still remember the day I met you in 10th grade, forced to be in a group together in class with our mutual friend that has the same name as you. I even told you this later on in our friendship that I thought you looked like a crackhead baby to me when I first saw you. You laughed and said that you thought I was from India or Bangladesh because of my skin complexion. We both probably poked at an insecurity that we had when we were just boys in the playgrounds. I made you my best man for the rest of the 3 years we had there. Naturally, I never would go out my way to talk or get to know someone unless I was forced to, unlike now. That brings me to my regret once again. Not being able to reach out to you in your final years here. I honestly don't know why, so many factors to think about and add in to just make me feel less guilty or to remind me how horrible of a person I truly was. I will never know until I get to see you again and ask our Lord together to have a good cry or laugh when He tells us. Something that seems further away now than it did these past few years.
I drove up the same hill I remember walking down from, to the crowd you drew. I remember it being on somewhat flat land, not hilly like the section right across from yours. I skimmed through your section, further and further out. Even in the hills that I knew I wasn't going to find you. Walking around a cemetery with an overdue visit and flowers, you watching me walk by you like 3 times for the past 3 hours. I went back to the tree and field I remember so vividly, I knew I wasn't stupid. There you were; with a crucifix with Jesus on top of your first name and a small teddy bear on your last name. Looking at the dates; "I'm older than you by a couple months". It's been 4 years. I tried to think about all those years, still just a blur without the help of my camera roll. All that time; all that life that your friends and family kept living, how I kept living. How one day it'll happen to me, how you were still too young. How things would've been between you & I, would you have reached out to me all these past years and continue our friendship? Would I have? I know now that I would've at this point of time or maybe even earlier knowing you. How you still live through me, how I must continue to enjoy it through it all because I'm here. I brought you my resolved problems and the ones that seems like nothing to me now. I told you about my healing, how your voice still rings in my head from time to time yelling out the jokes we would in school, public or through game chat. How you made me into a hype beast in English class when you showed me the supreme weekly drops. How we hanged out the last day of school and you tried giving me an excuse on why you wouldn't smoke weed; with an undertone of anxiety, just like me. I knew never to peer pressuring you into doing it. How you actually would make me laugh just by making stupid faces or none at all. Knew where to draw the line and how to deal with people that crossed it. So effortlessly; making friends out of them. We actually looked out for each other. A strong bond that formed just in the matter of 3 years between 2 strangers that didn't knew were brothers til then. Today you reminded me again to never take people that love you for you; for granted. One of my bestest & beloved friends since then til now and forever. Thank you.
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